Life Happens....

My adventures have already begun for 2010, and to sum it up in one word-- "Amazing"
I am happier than I have been in a long time. I feel encouraged, confident, and somewhat relieved that the pieces of the puzzle of life continue to show themselves daily. I feel like I am making the right choices for myself and kids, and know in my heart what life choices have to be made for all parties involved to achieve the happiness that each one of us deserves.

Marriage is hard. Its hard when there are 2 people who are in it, but only 1 wants to continue. Some people might be shocked to see that behind my constant smile, ... life hasn't been all that great. I have hit a rough patch in my life, and have done some long and hard thinking about the possible outcomes, based on decisions I must make. They say that if you make it after 5 years, then you are pretty much out of the clear. Well, I have made it for 4 years almost, and I know in my heart and soul that even asking for that extra year will be hard to achieve. Too many hurtful situations have happened right from the beginning. 3rd parties have put a constant strain on our relationship, until they were removed from the situation. Now, all that is left is hurt and hard feelings. I often feel like I have to answer for my actions of removing destructive people from mine and my kids life. I also often feel like these actions have done nothing but cause animosity and problems between 2 sides of the family. What I might believe is right or wrong, might not be what another believes. However, for the safety and mental wellbeing of each party involved, things had to be this way.
There is 1 party involved, who has suffered from both sides. Even though I fault my husband for this due to lack of support for his wife and at time child, I understand the other side of things. I understand that I am just a girl who got married to you, and that was your family from many years ago. I understand that when I start requesting not to see them, or go to the activities they are at, it makes for a tough pull either way. Often resulting in negativity flying from one side towards the other based off the choices that you have made. I am sorry you have been in the middle. I am sorry that it has been rough on you, and that the decision of supporting your wife was often times a very hard one for you to make, even though you did it.
I have lived with things botttled up inside for so long, that I wouldn't know where to begin in explaining how emotionally drained I am. I have stomached and put up with far more than I would have ever with anyone else, or their family. I have hurt feelings, and can never express them. I have sadness for you, and how you have had to suffer and be removed from a very close part of your life, due to me. I am not proud for allowing this relationship to continue this long. I am not proud that the strong woman i once was, couldn't stand up and say enough had to be enough. I kept my smile on my face, and tried to stay strong. Well, those days have come to an end. I am no longer happy, and I can no longer hide the fact that there have been mistakes made all around in this situation. But, I have come to the conclusion that at going on 27 this month,.... I am far to young to not be happy. My kids are far to young to not have a Mom who is not happy within her own life, so it slowly starts leaking into the kids lives. It is not fair, and I will not allow this to happen to them.
For this is why I can see 2010 becoming a good year... but unfortunately, all the hard things have to happen first. Unfortunately, both of us will be getting hurt in some way, shape or form,... but it must happen in order to have a bright future for all those involved.